2023 sucks in 843947992798723 ways.

kayaknya di 2024 i should think about myself and my sanity better. dahlah. the feeling that im not respected enough di kantor tuh emang ya. maybe headset will be my friend for 2024. w lagi males banget berhubungan sama orang. people disappoints you a lot. what should you expect gitu lho. ahahhahaha. maybe what he said was true: mereka ga akan pernah peduli your life. its just you. work. and no in-between. :) #lessonlearnt

#2023SpotifyWrapped Playlist

just playin' my 2023 wrap and my number #1 was 'I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)' and I can't hold the pain. like it's always be there, especially when the bridges' came thru, and it ends with "if you can't survive, just try" (because I did try my best). so yeah, I'm recovering 'til I don't know when :)

anyways... here's my playlist of my #2023SpotifyWrapped :)

i hope i have my life before you. 

the life before your sunshine came through. 

the little girl with the walls up high. 

the time where love were just an idea, not a memory.

a letter that i never have the gut to send it over.

Hi, H.
It’s been a while since I’ve written about you. It’s like I put you in a box, tightly closed, and I left ‘em there—dusty, forgotten. You became a memory, and we both agreed to put our love behind for the sake of our lives that needed to move forward.

But lately life has been so cruel, and my playlist decided to play old songs when we’re on high school. The thoughts of good ol’ days hit me, and your name always be the one who popped up. We were so young, naïve. Maybe that’s why people tend to hardly forget their first loves. Because it was so good and bad at the same time. Maybe because in the end, the highs and lows were the lessons learnt.

The chocolates.
The strawberry shortcakes’ ice creams.
The glance in the crowds.
The laughters in badminton hall.
And the hopes I set too high for love that might never last forever.

Sometimes, the thought of you became a smile on my face. Your cute glasses, your jokes, our silliness. But most of the days—like this, in a gloomy gray day, in heavy rain, in worst day of my life—you became a pinch in my heart. I should take a long long breath and needed something to ease the pain. It’s not always the bad things like the downfall of us. Sometimes, it’s about you that became the one who got away in my lifetime. The one I regretted to let go of. The one that maybe, in the future, I can never forget. I never know. We—never know. Like you said.

And as the song played on the back of my mind, I wonder one thing: will it ever ends?

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It’s empty and cold without you here
Too many people to ache over
©

coffees and other things.

i always love the bitterness in this life

one more tablespoon, and i am fine

you've always said, "you sound sad."

drowning in caffeine

staying awake with the stars

in the nights like this, covered in blanket

losing my sanity to the alcohol

losing myself to those memories

of the roads we wandered around

of the kisses when the clock's hit 12

of the love we celebrated

until we ran out of feelings

you've always hated 

the blue dresses i always wore

and i hated the cigar you smoked

but not as much as you hated 

all the sad poems on obsolete papers

it always made you thought

about how much unhappy i was

the bitter truth, the dark past

in the end, you gave up

and as i always said, 

"i will always be fine."

final kiss on the cold bed

and you became another tablespoon

of the past i should moved on from 

// addicted to the things you hated 

23.11.23; 05.17pm

ps:

omg it took me day to wrote this hahaha

#1989TaylorsVersion

listening to the 1989 Taylor's Version reminds me of how I love her songwriting. how I love the lyrics of Style before it became a single and I ditched it (I always gatekeep my fav idk why). and how I love the whole album. literally. it became the IT album that I always replayed in order. I replayed it when I feel sad or stressed. I replayed it on my home when sun set and I drove in tears. I replayed it just to make myself better. because in the end, I knew. like the songs, we can be sad in happy-sounded songs. and vice-versa. 

happy #1989TaylorsVersion day to the album that saved my life over and over again. 

?

apabila cinta itu adalah jawaban

mengapa bertahun-tahun aku berusaha

mengumpulkan tiap arti dari kata tersebut

mengais di mana hal yang sepadan

apakah pada hembusan angin tak berdaya

apakah pada rinai hujan di bumi kelabu

apakah pada kenangan yang tidak terurai

apakah pada kamu yang bayangnya tak pernah pergi

cinta dan kamu adalah hal terakhir yang kutahu

karena setelah itu, tanda tanya selalu menyapa

dan selama itu pula, aku terombang-ambing

akankah aku menemukan pesisir lain

rumah baru untuk aku bersandar

karena sampai saat ini,

yang kulihat hanyalah hamparan samudera biru

ujungnya tak lagi terlihat, menyatu dengan horizon

meninggalkanku terus bertanya

bertahan hidup, berusaha waras

sampai manakah aku dapat bertahan

di tengah lautan luas

mencari kamu yang lain?

// tanya-tanya yang menumpuk 

26.10.23; 12.17am

(semi-colon)

aku tidak pernah tahu caranya keluar dari kesedihan ini. aku tidak pernah tahu caranya keluar dari kubangan abu tak berujung. aku tidak pernah tahu, dan mencari tahu. menumpuknya di ujung ruang, berkardus-kardus, hingga yang kulihat terakhir hanya hitam. tak tertolong. tak terurai. tak pernah selesai. semua rasa, dipendam begitu saja. menunggu meledak, menjadi bom yang bisa disulut dengan apapun. apapun. kapanpun. menyedihkan, bukan?

aku tidak pernah tahu caranya keluar dari kesendirian ini. ketika mereka mengulurkan tangan, yang kutahu hanya memeluk diriku sendiri dalam gelap. tenggelam. membiarkan diriku sendiri kehabisan oksigen. kehabisan alasan untuk hidup. kehabisan cara, untuk terus bertahan. sampai akhirnya mereka pun lelah. aku pun lelah. akhirnya menyerah. 

mungkin hari ini aku sedang kalah dalam peperangan dengan diriku sendiri. dengan kepala yang terus menertawakan. cih, si lemah. menangis dalam gelap, bahkan untuk alasan yang tidak bisa kuketahui dengan diriku sendiri. untuk apa aku bersedih? untuk siapa aku merasa tersakiti? untuk kapan masa yang terlewati? semuanya tergabung menjadi satu, benang-benang yang mengikat, tapi entah kapan bisa diurai. tidak tahu ujungnya. yang ada, semakin ditarik, semakin menggumpal. menyatu. tak tahu lagi mana yang menjadi akar. 

berharap ada gunting yang memutus rantai kesedihan ini. 

cara kilat. tercepat. 

bukankah terdengar menyedihkan? yang selalu berusaha kuat, berusaha serba-bisa. akhirnya hanya selalu bertahan dengan satu daftar musik. sad depressed tunes. untuk aku yang bahkan tidak tahu untuk apa aku bersedih. untuk apa aku menjadi biru.

is there someone... or somewhere... 

aku tidak tahu. menyerah. sepertinya lagi-lagi aku kalah. lagi-lagi aku ingin dipeluk. bukan lagi memeluk diri sendiri seraya berkata tidak apa-apa. semua ada akhirnya. mau senang, mau sedih. 

tidak apa-apa.

semuanya hanya sementara.

sedihmu, sedihku. sementara. 

the sad depressed tunes.

to the boy who got engaged.

it was a mug of hot chocolate

and your name reappeared in my mind

it's calming your thoughts you said

to make you sleep a little better 

chaotic mind that i have

eased with the warmth of this beverage of your choice

and the memories that resurfaced

the voice, the jokes, the good years of us

i thought i would write about you

and about your special day 

but i was stuck and stopped

i had no words but i'm happy for you

really

but today, i knew

it always about hot chocolate in my hand

and your little affection that i would never forget

i am forever thankful for this

because when i'm in my bad days

i just have to make a hot chocolate

remember all the good days especially about you 

and maybe i'll be fine, i don't care

it is okay

i will be okay

and maybe a congratulations for you

and for your new life ahead

cheers, to the memories that i have

and the day that i lost you in my life 

// to the boy that i knew will never be mine 

22.10.23; 12.55pm

day 21 (#angelealowesprompts' october): this city is a graveyard

and i remember

the lonely road that felt alive with our laughs

wandering around, lost in this big wide city

i remember

my fingers wrapped around yours

calming your chaotic mind

and my heart's warmed 

because once again, i knew

i'm not alone in this wild life

i remember

the drinks we've tried

the old malls we walked by

the books we picked

the moments...

and if you remember

i hope you'll know

this is the only 'love' i know

and that's my way to show it

only for you

// graveyard of our memories

21.10.23; 9.35am

bosch

i remember one time when i watched Bosch series, and a scene where he stands alone watching his empty house or the scene where he watch the LA up from his house, i was thinking that maybe someday i'd be like him. drown in work, live alone, aging alone. if i ever get married, maybe i'd be divorced and live alone. i don't know why i feel related by his character so much. and now that i rewatched it, i feel the same way. the same loneliness. the same thought of growing old alone. just drowning in work. it sucks, i know. i don't know why mulai umur 20-an i always thought of maybe i'm not marrying someone. or that i'm okay if ill be married in 30s or more. i dunno. it's like, being in a relationship again will be so... i dunno. really. it's a blur. maybe i always put it in the back of my mind. that i always never put the love and relationship on one of my top priorities. it's just.... idk. huft. i think britney spears was right. this loneliness... is killing me. 

kembali

kalau semisal suatu saat kita akan pulang

ke rumah usang di penghujung jalan

semoga kita masih memiliki kuncinya

membuka kotak pandora

tentang memori

tentang cinta

tentang kita yang tak pernah terlepas

tangan kita terikat benang-benang tak kasat mata

sehingga sejauh apapun kita bertualang

nampaknya hatiku akan selalu kembali padamu

suatu saat, entah kapan

dan kemudian kembali berwarna

gema-gema tawa memenuhi sepetak rumah ini

harum masakan menyambut tiap senja

dan kepada peluk hangatmu

kita berpulang

// rumah lama, tidak pernah usai 

11.10.23 // 10.54am

day 5 (#angelealowesprompts' october): casting spells

and i whisper in the dark

i love you

you are the one

i miss you

you are the only one

have you known 

that everything that ran through my lips

they're all lies 

a spell to make you mine

while i won't be yours

my heart is a free zone 

where i don't let anybody in

because once i opened it

and all i got is

lies

// revenged witch 

05.10.23; 12.49pm

day 21 (#angelealowesprompts' september): wasted summers

the autumn leaves fall down to the Mother Earth

it's been decades and your ghost never left this town

it became the blurry figures

in front of the bus stations

where we used to talk before work

at the ice cream stall down the busy road

after the noon to calm my anxiety 

on the ugly yellow cab

where you squeezed my hand three times

and i would say that i love you too

with kisses on the palm of your hand

with my faded-green umbrella against the rain

with home-cooked meals after the fight

with the home i used to build just for us 

i can never count how many summers passed

and all i did just thinking how come it all ends 

without any notification on my phone

without an apology letter sent to my mail

even without my key that i spared to you

where it all went away? 

i walk down to the park you loved

and see how my life passed in the flash of my eyes

i know i wasted half of my life loving that damn hard 

now i whisper to the windy air

hoping that this winter won't feel so lonely

and the spring brings all my hopes up

i hope the summers ahead

it won't be wasted

like all those silly years

i spent on loving you 

// the one summer i hope it all ends 

21.09.23; 11.40pm

i hope you are done with your past

mungkin tidak untuk melupakan

setidaknya memaafkan

dan mengikhlaskan

cubitan di hati memang terasa

melihatnya tidak denganmu

tapi setidaknya kamu tersenyum

dia baik-baik saja

and that's enough

day 10 (#angelealowesprompts' september): a little sunburnt, a little drunk

my hands save me from the sun

with a little burnt, a little too red

my little feet dancing around

the park is too wide, too quiet

but i let my heart as free as the bird

my feelings a little bit lighter

the dream of brooklyn bridge

we used to talk about

now it's just me

being the only one left

with the case i left on my loft

and baggage of what's left behind

our dreams

our future

our love 

as i toast the bluest sky

the wine run through my red lips

i celebrate it all

the lost

the storms

the pain 

i am free now

to be something i wanna be

to be someone i've never been before

to be the one... you hated before

// to be the old me, before you 

10.09.23; 09.08pm

kenapa kalau dibandingkan

tulisanku tahun ini dan beberapa tahun lalu

perbedaan "materi"-nya begitu kerasa :/

day 6 (#angelealowesprompts' september): survive my own mind

terkadang nalar tak pernah benar

memiliki caranya sendiri mengurung

siapa yang lebih dulu menyerah

kemudian keluar pemenangnya

biasanya tidak begitu banyak yang selamat

seringkali, kita semua terjebak

dan tak tahu caranya keluar

ke mana, bagaimana, harus apa 

kepala ini seolah tertawa

mana manusia yang dilabeli kuat 

yang ada hanya sosok bertopeng

kala gelap menyapa dengan dingin

tertinggal seonggok raga tak berjiwa

terperangkap, enggan meminta tolong

makhluk tuhan yang sombong sekali 

paling enggan bersujud

paling depan untuk mengingkari

namun ketika terpuruk selalu bertanya

di manakah tuhan

mengapa tidak pernah adil 

pejantan berkokok

gema dari satu bangunan ke bangunan lain

selamatkah anda 

kalau iya, semoga ini terakhir kalinya

dan di lain hari, 

tidak lagi ada pertarungan dalam kepala cantikmu

tentang hidup dalam kekosongan, 

atau enggannya dirimu mati dalam kesepian

// catatan yang terbangun di pagi hari 

06.09.23; 11.26am

day 4 (#angelealowesprompts' september): i don't wanna die anymore

it's the time when the flowers bloom 

and the sky looks prettier in blue 

veins are so red i don't wanna ruin it anymore 

maybe i've lost some of them 

maybe they've lost some of the old me 

i don't wanna care, anymore

like i did when they walked away

it's not you 

it's me

and my messy head

but after awhile, i know

maybe life's worth a lil bit

with those who stays

who loves me, even though they left scars

but that's okay, aight? 

we'll live, breathe, and move on

but at least, i don't wanna die 

like when the love of my life, left me

like when those who i thought were 'love'

were nothing but the same people

who left a giant hole of loneliness

a nothingness 

but now i don't wanna die anymore 

those who stays

worth my life a little bit more

// notes from the one who always wanna die

04.09.23; 09.18am

#nowplaying

The 1975 - I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)

day 2 (#angelealowesprompts' september): seasonal depression

the head's spinnin' around

what to hear

what to do

what if

some days are better than today

some days, i wish there's a switch

to turn off all the wild thoughts

sometimes, i am happy

for the life i'm living in

but other times, mostly, 

i feel like i'm not enough

the thoughts of future life

and the uncertainty

what if i'm drowned

and never be saved 

the knight i've been waiting for

is he ever coming? 

the drizzle knocking on the deck

my eyes are seeing through the lake

the morning fog never gives me glimpse

but right now-

i hope i'll hang on whatever

and get there-

wherever it is, whenever it is

hang on dear

this too, shall pass 

// depressing time 

02.09.23; 10.21am

quarter life crisis playlist, curated by a girl in her self-crisis era:

(will always be updated if i find a song related to my quarter life crisis era lol)

1. you're on your own, kid
2. nothing new
3. mirrorball
4. this is me trying
5. the archer
6. anti-hero
7. dear reader
8. champagne problems (i mean.. i relate much when she said, "she would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head" lol)
9. 
   

out of description.

what is love? 

was it the fast-paced dating life

just a week to know each others

and then so-called babe

just to know that we meant

to fall apart?

was it those whispers in the dark

glances in the hallway

a small smile from miles away

because nobody should knew?

was it respects to someone

that makes the relationship

went cold

and everything felt so wrong?

was it another fast-paced relationship

that makes everything turns into sour

the fun, the self-doubt, the laughter

the longing for years

and it fell apart again as time went by?

was it the situationships that hyped

phonecalls late at night

being both raw and distant

a friend for lonely soul

a stranger to make it official?

what is love?

i've been out of love for years

i don't recognize how it feels

i don't know how to describe

it's just an idea

that i wanted these days

but to answer what is love

i have no idea

anymore

// so tell me

03.08.22; 03.15pm

—to the sun

i hope the sun shines

not bright enough

that it burns your life

into ashes

shouldn't it be nicer

because lately

life never does

it's cruel

the summer you left

the nights i spent alone

the life without you

// barely alive

24.07.23; 5.43pm

i know you're sad

i hope you can get pass it

i hope that this just a phase

and one day

you can laugh to this day

like you always told 'em

it's just a funny story

and you don't end up 

crying again

// this too, shall pass

23.07.23; 7.04pm

sad. happy. sad. in repeat.

so there were times after an event that i felt so burdened about being 'single' and it made me sad and depressed. it was a 'ticking-time-bomb', but more likely the time it went south. it's just.... the bomb went off and i felt like i was a failure. it wasn't a good time, and i hate the whole week. i was all over the place, i was depressed, i was angry with everything, i stressed over things that now looks so simple, it's just... not myself. it's my old-self. the anger-issue, the self-sabotage, the i-hate-the-world self. 

and i passed it. with cries. with heavy heart. with depressed playlist.

i dealt with it, and in peace for several days. i felt okay. i felt it was the time to smile again and played my summer tunes. i went to healthy habits again. wrote my journal again. having average days like i always had. it went normal and i was feeling okay.

but today, i just realized that i just buried it behind me without solving or telling anyone what i felt. i just got by it without doing anything. and when i burst the whole story to my friend... damn, i almost cried in crowds. and now, the depressed tunes replay in my room. the heavy heart comes back. and all i wanna do is laying in bed, thinking about how to get pass the phase where i feel bad about myself. about being alone in this modern life. 

adrenaline junkie

and even you lied

i know 

and i don't care

because what am i 

gonna do

gonna be

without you here?

// masochist

20.07.23; 01.45pm

bacain blog post yang lama-lama terus nemu notes dari ultah tahun lalu;

baru sadar kalo akhir-akhir kata yang selalu keluar itu: "SAABAAAARRRR" 

:)

Oh, another notes from me....

Udah jarang banget nulis :(

(berasa sedih tapi emang gaada ide)

About being 25 and life goes on...

So.. this is the "Quarter Life Crisis" age. 

Very much feel blessed for being alive until now. Blessed for closest friends, for family, for this life. I know that lately it's not too good—the stress, the sickness, the homesick, the loneliness. But most of all this life has been good for me. This life treats me well, and for all the good things that came into my life, I'm so so so grateful. 

Setahun ke belakang ini, rasanya lagi naik-turun. Mood lagi ngga bagus-bagusnya, mulai tahun 2023 badan gampang sakitnya lagi rewel, stressing out of all the things, the lonelines... 2022 treated me good. But 4,5 months into 2023 is like... roller coaster. But, as the title said, life goes on. Udah ngga pengen lagi merasa 'left out', ngga mau lagi merasa mencintai diri sendiri dan sekeliling itu sulit, lebih pengen banyak bersyukur. Emang susah, apalagi kalo capek ya. Tapi ngga apa, one step at a time.

Apalagi dapet kado dari temen-temen, jadi ngerasa... it's ok. 

They're being so thoughtful and it's ok. 

Zay gave me sandals and journaling kits: the way she knew and remembered it. Dan sendal sih! Agak unexpected karena awal tahun ini aku emang butuh, tapi sekarang bingung jarang keluar hahaha. 

Ai & Fil just gave me a Junior Jewels Shirt... hahahaha. I know sometimes I'm crazy about Taylor Swift. This is the second Taylor Swift related gift that I got. Merasa bersyukur ada orang-orang yang oke dengan fangirling-ku. Kebanyakan orang cuma ngeremehin, dia lucky lah kulit putih, ngga bisa nyanyi bagus kayak Ariana atau Demi yang suka hit high notes, serial dater, mesti nulis tentang mantannya (WHICH ALL SINGERS DO WTF?!), dst. Sebel sih. And knowing that there are people who understands... blessed.

Apalagi ya? Udah D+15 but life is so crazy right now. But as the title said... again... life goes on. So I'll make the best out of it for a year ahead. Luv.

Day 1 Puasa.

Hari pertama puasa.

Tahun ke-dua ngerantau.

Rasanya sih, ya yaudah aja. Kayak yang lagi akhir-akhir ini aku rasain: aku cuma capek aja kalo udah pulang malem tuh rasanya pengen udah ada makanan aja di kosan. Nggak mikir masak lagi. Kadang it's another task to do aja yang nyiapinnya lama tapi kalo makan kan paling lama setengah jam. Capek aja. Kalo kerja pulang pengennya udah nggak mikir gitu. Hehe.

I know. Sometimes I think that I'm spoiled tho.

Tapi, emang nggak sih? Maksudku, dengan segala kemudahan dst, emang anak-anak jaman sekarang ya a little bit spoiled and have privilege. Nggak bisa dipungkiri. Mau bilang nggak spoiled juga dari kecil udah dibiasain. Repot ya. Hehe. 

But it's ok, I'll live. 

Yang sedih cuma satu: lagi radang parah jadi nggak boleh gorengan. Padahal kan esensinya puasaan tuh nyari takjil gorengan dan es yak :/ huhu

/ sedang di titik lelah

ingin menyerah

rumah dirindukan

ruang zona nyaman

yang selalu ingin 

pulang /

/ sedang di titik 

ingin seperti orang lain

punya sandaran

punya seseorang

kapan hati kembali 

disentuh? /

/ sedang di titik 

kalau bisa istirahat

sejenak

ingin pergi ke manapun

tanpa dering notifikasi

menghilang /

//

22.02.23; 9.28am