i hope i have my life before you. 

the life before your sunshine came through. 

the little girl with the walls up high. 

the time where love were just an idea, not a memory.

a letter that i never have the gut to send it over.

Hi, H.
It’s been a while since I’ve written about you. It’s like I put you in a box, tightly closed, and I left ‘em there—dusty, forgotten. You became a memory, and we both agreed to put our love behind for the sake of our lives that needed to move forward.

But lately life has been so cruel, and my playlist decided to play old songs when we’re on high school. The thoughts of good ol’ days hit me, and your name always be the one who popped up. We were so young, naïve. Maybe that’s why people tend to hardly forget their first loves. Because it was so good and bad at the same time. Maybe because in the end, the highs and lows were the lessons learnt.

The chocolates.
The strawberry shortcakes’ ice creams.
The glance in the crowds.
The laughters in badminton hall.
And the hopes I set too high for love that might never last forever.

Sometimes, the thought of you became a smile on my face. Your cute glasses, your jokes, our silliness. But most of the days—like this, in a gloomy gray day, in heavy rain, in worst day of my life—you became a pinch in my heart. I should take a long long breath and needed something to ease the pain. It’s not always the bad things like the downfall of us. Sometimes, it’s about you that became the one who got away in my lifetime. The one I regretted to let go of. The one that maybe, in the future, I can never forget. I never know. We—never know. Like you said.

And as the song played on the back of my mind, I wonder one thing: will it ever ends?

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It’s empty and cold without you here
Too many people to ache over
©

coffees and other things.

i always love the bitterness in this life

one more tablespoon, and i am fine

you've always said, "you sound sad."

drowning in caffeine

staying awake with the stars

in the nights like this, covered in blanket

losing my sanity to the alcohol

losing myself to those memories

of the roads we wandered around

of the kisses when the clock's hit 12

of the love we celebrated

until we ran out of feelings

you've always hated 

the blue dresses i always wore

and i hated the cigar you smoked

but not as much as you hated 

all the sad poems on obsolete papers

it always made you thought

about how much unhappy i was

the bitter truth, the dark past

in the end, you gave up

and as i always said, 

"i will always be fine."

final kiss on the cold bed

and you became another tablespoon

of the past i should moved on from 

// addicted to the things you hated 

23.11.23; 05.17pm

ps:

omg it took me day to wrote this hahaha