jadi... sudah 13 hari menjadi umur 23.
jujur aja, makin tua, makin tambah umur, malah kadang nambah hal-hal yang dipikirin. hal-hal yang tadinya 'ah udahlah bisa dipikirin nanti', mau gak mau akhirnya dipikirin. makin lama, beban jadi anak pertama makin banyak. padahal sendirinya masih jadi beban orang tua. hadeuh. :")
setahun ke belakang ini.... kayaknya isinya penuh struggle. gak yang susah-susah kok. cuma struggle dengan diri sendiri yang lagi banyak-banyaknya mengalami 'anxiety'. in quote karena aku gak ke profesional buat ngomongin hal-hal ini. cuma... yah... i feel like i was in that situation. banyak-banyaknya ngerasa overthinking berlebihan.
kalau dipikir-pikir (karena 2020 i didn't do journaling for my mental health so i lost track of things i did or didn't do at 2020), one of my turning point in this life was my birthday. setelah hidup di dunia per-sosmed-an setengah dari hidupku... i felt sick. aku adalah orang yang lumayan appreciate sama ulang tahun. kalo bisa, i always congratulate them. dan di tahun 2020, i felt like everybody forgot about that. even some of those i thought my closest ones. dan i felt.....sad that time.
padahal kalo dipikir-pikir, ngapain ya? hahahaha. it was just a birthday. tapi aku merasa sedih banget. idk why. kemudian tiba-tiba semua orang memasuki path-path yang jauh from my hands. having partner, getting married, having kids, having a fancy job, etc. etc. etc. agak nyesek, padahal aku tau aku sendiri belum berada di titik if i'm ready enough to be with anyone. i was pushing people out of my life. i didn't want them to be with me because i was in this phase where i was so... negative? something like that.
cuma... sedih aja. i always felt sad for no reasons these days. hal-hal kecil yang kadang terlihat remeh sama orang lain, turns out to be the reason why i feel sad. angry. anything. banyak hal yang terjadi sama dunia ini juga yang bikin aku sering merasa marah. why this world would be so cruel to others? kenapa sekarang orang-orang makin aneh-aneh? kenapa begini? kenapa begitu banyak kesedihan, kesenjangan, ketidakadilan?
kenapa... hal-hal begini menjadi hal-hal yang affecting my own life? yang bikin jadi marah atau sedih for no reason. yang harusnya ga begitu aku pikirin like others do? kenapa aku attached for things that far from my life?
kadang... capek aja.
and approximately a year ago, i decided to stepped out a lil bit from my social medias. twitter, instagram, anything. even i uninstalled my line account (selain karena nge-crash terus, i think no one's using it anymore since no one in my life chatting via line anymore). instagram... karena too much people shared their personal achievement that made me small. aku seneng kok, sama hidup mereka yang sudah nyampe di titiknya masing-masing. tapi kadang, bikin aku lupa kalo semua orang punya jalannya masing-masing. bikin sedih aja, karena jadi kepikiran banyak hal. twitter.... i got a lot of anger there. idk why. twitter sometimes gave me bad vibes from all negative news there. i mean, it is good that people more aware about things like woman role, tentang kerja, apapun itu yang membuka mata dan obrolan bagus di sosmed. tapi ketika hal-hal yang bikin capek.... i got a lot anger there. entahlah. dan akhirnya jadi capek juga kan.
sosmed gave me bad vibes in me for the last couple months. kemudian... entahlah. capek aja. hidup sendiri aja belum tertata baik, mikirin hidup orang. hadeuh. lol.
baru sadar... i got a lot sadness, anger, overthinking phases, negative vibes... more than i got for the rest of my life just in a year now.
i've been fine for time to time. lumayan mengurangi pikiran sih. walaupun sekarang, negative vibes-nya malah pindah jadi ke temen. lingkungan. sometimes i just want to cut the string from some people.
suddenly i read that emily wickersham a.k.a ellie bishop departure from ncis and made my rest of the night and this blog post more and more sadder. sudahlah. saya mau galau dulu sama ncis yang makin geje :( see ya when i see ya!
