i'm so obsessed

day 16 (#angelealowesprompts' april): extended version of us

you arrived with your favorite ride because we hated this city's traffic. additional helmet was offered to me, after i checked my old backpack. you've always said that my bag would hurt my back, but i giggled, "it's the only type of bag that would carry everything in my house that i should bring to work." and you would laughed your ass off as if it's the best joke you've ever heard. 

wind in my hair, people grumbled in traffic lights, and the warmest hug as my hands wrapped around your body. our fingers intertwined, and it would always calmed my mind. without words, just you and i after work hours. people always said that words are overrated, and this version of me would've agreed. it's the silence—and nothing else mattered. 

we would've stopped at our favorite stall. you would picked different menu every time we ate there—the adventurous of you. and me with my usual food—and you would've said that i was boring. someone that always stayed in comfort zones, would've not going anywhere if you're not coming. 

or we would've picked a midnight movie at the standalone cinema. i would bought the sweet popcorn—because for me, the caramelized was too sweet. and you would've fell asleep midway the film. and if i told you just to go home rather than we stumbled in this cold box, you would've said, "it's okay, this is our only time together. and i'm sorry if i ruined it by falling asleep. how was the movie?" and you would listened me babbling the whole story.

and i could go on and on about the "what if?" if there's an extended story about us. we would've been happy—even though sometimes we would've argued. we could be the "oh? they're still together after all these years?" and we nodded and laughed. forever would be our ending, and i would not felt so lonely like i am now. 

but this was the stories in my head before i fall asleep. the stories i made up sometimes—if looking down your social medias not enough to cure the i-miss-you's. the-grown-up-version of us in this mundane life. 

// would've, could've, should've 

16.04.24; 7.46pm

senjaku tak lagi berwarna

dan manakala senja itu bergulir

mengalirkan tiap spektrum oranye

emas menjadi sulur-sulur mentari

dalam genggammu, aku bersandar

hangat hari, menuju akhir

siapa yang tahu esok hari?

adalah hari ini, dan harap

semoga selamanya

namun mentari berubah sendu

semua warna berubah jadi abu

mati dibawa kau pergi

adakah indah

yang berakhir selamanya?

// hitam-putih

19.03.24; 8.49pm

even if you survived

that doesn't means

you're alive

maybe it's more about

getting day by day

in hell

dear reader

it's a tale of a boy who always jumps into another sorrow. drink all the misery until he doesn't even know himself. living his life all alone, thinking that love will save him from himself. thinking that maybe, i could fix him. a sad truth, i never will. 

ms. swift once said: "never take advice from someone who's falling apart." i mean it. you should never tell a tale to a broken soul. a writer who writes better than the mouth. the words she said, it's something that she never thought wisely. the words she inked in her poems, speak better about how she felt. hiding in fictions, living a life in her head. 

i don't think i'll ever be someone's savior. i saved someone once, with a price of me losing a piece of my heart. a little hole that never heals. a hole that made a tallest wall built-up without i ever noticed. it's just there, until they slapped my face with all their feelings. 

maybe i sound ignorant, but here's another sad truth. 

sometimes, i don't care anymore.

and it becomes: most of the time now. 

// a tale of herself

25.01.24; 02.10am

Ketika Berhenti Di Sini

Tidak akan ada rumusan yang tepat dalam merayakan duka. Ia datang tanpa permisi, mewarnai hati dengan semua nuansa abu. Abu muda untuk langit yang mendung, menaungi hari ketika ia pergi. Abu tua, untuk segala rasa yang ditinggalkan. Semua berlomba memenangi caranya mewakili hari itu, hari kala aku kehilangan arah dalam hidup. 

Melaju, kata semua manusia yang tidak pernah berkenalan dengan perpisahan. Mungkin bagi mereka, rasa ini bisa ditekan begitu saja dan melewati hari seperti seharusnya. Kembali bangun, mandi, dan menjalani hidup. Tapi apakah mereka tahu, aku terbangun seusai kamu hadir dalam mimpi? Membuka mata rasanya seperti kembali menghadapi kenyataan bahwa tidak ada lagi hadirmu. 

Mentari seolah menjadi hakim yang menentukan saatnya untuk menghapus siluetmu dalam gelap malam. Biasanya, hadirmu menjadi hantu di pojok yang tak lagi dijangkau. Memangnya, bagaimana bisa kita mencapai yang tak lagi ada di dunia ini? Bagaimana caranya menjadi ikhlas dan kembali hidup seperti apa adanya? Seperti sebelum adanya kamu?

Tidak pernah ada jawaban yang pasti untuk mengatasi rasa menusuk kala mengingat mereka yang mengucapkan selamat tinggal tanpa pernah sampai. Hati-hati mereka pergi, sunyi, tak berjejak. Tiba-tiba tak lagi bisa digapai. Meninggalkan apa-apa yang menurut mereka usai. Sama seperti ketika kamu yang memutuskan saatnya untuk berpisah. Tanpa aba-aba, tanah basah memelukmu. Rintik hujan menjadi suara latar kala semesta menerimamu. Mereka bersorai, kembalinya hamba pada pelukan Ibu Pertiwi. Namun bagaimana dengan aku?

Takkan ada yang akan pernah tahu kapan pada akhirnya kita selesai dengan duka. Apabila saatnya sudah tepat, aku akan membingkaimu dengan kerangka potret yang paling apik. Di dinding memori ini, aku mungkin akan melupakan rasa sakitnya. Namun selamanya, kenangan itu akan selalu ada. Kali itu, mungkin tanpa lagi ada air mata. 

// bersorai untuk tak lagi berhenti di sini. 

20.01.24; 10.11pm

ghosted.

but if we ended a long, long time ago

why do you still there

a ghost on the corner of old cafe

smiling, haunting every single way

giving the ache even though i'm moving on

i needed to walk away

but the memories of you never left

it is there, dusty

but never fades away

// the ghost of you 

20.01.24;02.24am

tulisan blog pertama di 2024.

so, it's 2024. 

hello. 

well, di minggu ke-tiga ini sudah menjalani roller-coaster hidup ya. balik dari Sidoarjo malah dirawat di RS (after a fuckin' while). tipes. kayak never in my wildest dreams bakal dirawat selain dulu SD, sama if someday i'll have a child on my own. but yeah, that's it. that's the highlight of this january hehe. 

biasanya i'll have a post about closing the year. tahun 2023 i just closed it up. december was a fucking chaos in my life. bener-bener hidup ter-ga sehat kayaknya pas november-desember deh. ga heran i ended up hospitalized. pas pulang di akhir desember juga ngga ada istirahat sama sekali. if i wasn't out with fam or friends, then i'd packed up in my room. so, my fam will be moving soon (don't know the exact 'when' yet). so mumpung lagi ada waktu pulang, aku mulai packing-packing my stuff. pilah baju, pack all my books (ini sama sekali ga dipilah, just move it into a box because i love all my books lol), pack all my stuff yang kayak oleh-oleh/kenangan, cut things yang emang udah ngga dipake juga sih. jadi, emang desember ngga ada istirahat sama sekali. mungkin pas januari, my body decided to like: eh, you know, you should rest. hahahaha. 

semua plan di awal tahunku buyar sih jelas. mulai upload journaling jelas ngga bisa. i didn't write anything when i was hospitalized because first infus on my right hand dan posisinya nggak enak banget buat nulis. dan bengkak. terus pas pindah kiri, yang kanan tetep sakit. so there it goes. plan untuk 30 Hari Bercerita juga buyar. in five days, i was dizzy all the time. tipes tuh ternyata demam naik-turun dan kalau bisa, pasti akhirnya tidur. so there... there it goes. 

apalagi ya? 

i just have a lot in my mind for 2024. i just... doesn't plan it out yet. udah deng, tapi masih tulisan acak. belum di-organize jadi masih scattered aja. even planner & journal ku masih belum bener-bener 100% done. ah, life. :)

tapi ya sudahlah ya. chaotic life is needed sometimes. because my life had been flat for like a year. stressful 2023. really. i just can't describe it better. nangis, burn-out, capek, kesepian, all at once. and repeated the whole 2023. stressed out juga, berulang kali. i want to take things slow now. tipes buat aku mikir untuk lebih sehat lagi sih. walaupun sejauh ini setelah dua minggu-an got out, tetep gitu-gitu aja. makan malem sih yang susah buat teratur tuh T^T

anywayyyyy. 

i'm at a coffee shop. trying to work things out. so... yeah. kayaknya ini pertama kalinya selama dua tahun di Alam Sutera akhirnya keluar sendiri ke kafe yang buat kerja gitu. biasanya ngafe kalo ada temennya. kalo keluar sendiri juga biasanya ke Living World just for nonton atau belanja perintilan. ow shit, tahun ini so much wishlist too. yha begitulah hidup ya. if it's not about work, then it's money. kapan love life? ntahlah. we'll see. 

xo.