new year, new place.

and the book of adventures were closed

a new beginning awaits

a new door to the new world

—far away from anchors that held you

to wherever you've been stuck into—

now waiting for you to jump in

do you have the rest of courage

that's been put on the back of your mind

because you've been so comfortable 

with this lame place

hoping that one day—those days, 

you'll be able to step up and let it all go 

go to places you barely know

to the roads that hasn't been touch by them 

to those beaches that's been calling your name

to the new home... 

that you hope will last forever....

// moving on.
27.12.24; 3.11pm 

im sad, but its not about romance, but this is romance song

you can go to hell

day 5: october passed me by

it's been fourteen years 

your name's been engraved

but the weed grew upon your gravestone

i've been sure where i should've found you

but it's been four years now—

and the footsteps buried by the ground

the tracks to your house of memories

now's just a guideless road

had her grew flowers to your plain green lawn?

bet the swing we swung 

now's just an obsolete timbered chair

the rope was just there

hanging on to the hopes we've built 

but now i'm not really sure

if it's solid enough to carry 

the memory of us

it's been years now—

your light blue eyes i've always looked for

lost in the crowd now

this people i passed by, 

familiar faces but i don't recognize the names

was it you in that corner?

or the man who just bumped into my shoulder?

i've been sober now—

from the days i've thought that

maybe i wouldn't get over the story of us

it's like a stain in my dress

maybe i should've just bought another ones

maybe, i should've just move on 

and now that i do 

'you' just becomes another name 

i've been buried 

in last October 

// it's hard to romanticize October now.

11.11.24; 9.22am 

another nyebelin hari ini aside kas project at the office: kemarin pas di jalan berangkat ngantor udah kepikiran buat nulis sesuatu. tapi kayaknya pas nyampe langsung hectic, dan lupa kalimat yang bagus-bagus kurangkai di jalan. (insert cursing words). emang paling bener langsung ditulis di notes HP kayak dulu -_-

Page 261 of 366: New series.

Starting new series.

Series about poetry: Constellations Series

Series on TV (netflix, for exact info): The Blacklist

Series of songs: Fall '24 

Ok, what a short update on my life (because now I regularly write on papers a.k.a. journal (liat aja kalo tiba-tiba ntar males nulis manual handwritten, pasti cuap-cuap ga jelas di blog).

And I just realized this is the 32nd post on this blog, surpassing last year's. Selalu merasa achieved aja kalo lagi banyak nulis di blog. Walaupun ya akhir-akhir lebih sering post poetry-related. Gak mau dibilang terlalu puitis or something, karena akhir-akhir ini lebih sering nulis pake bahasa sehari-hari. Tapi, yha... related. I can't put title of things I wrote other than poems/poetry. Lol. 

Happy Tuesday, folks!

From sleep deprived writer. 

—to the moon

this night is sparkling in silence

cinderella would be so late

but i take my little feet

walk around this lonely life

the cold air hugged me

as my thoughts fly away

to the nights where you and i

were something 

your ride and laughs 

and unused camera you brought along

your smiles and stories 

and flirty jokes you've always made

your nightmares and drinks

and cigarettes i hated

but you tried your best 

to hold yourself without it 

i still remember the books i got that day

or sweets you introduced to me

like your lies called love 

and your little affections 

when you stayed awake listening 

to all my sorrows 

i hate that lately

midnights felt like hell 

because my head is full 

and how i wish that you'll be there

instead, i've drown myself 

into poetries that felt like hopeless lady 

into songs that suffocated me 

into inkless pictures of us 

because there's memories i've never captured

and one of the best was about us 

to the moon that shines so bright 

to the stars that always led someone's to home 

to the man that always haunts my midnights 

i hope my bleeding heart finally stops 

i hope the scars heal 

and i hope, the memories of us

will never be the same ghost

that stayed in this room 

of mine 

// about midnights full of you. 

17.09.24 // 9.39pm

tribute to the sun.

day 6: right person, wrong time

they said, it sucks to love the right person at the wrong time. 

and i'll tell them, it was better than feeling nothing at all.

// numb. 

09.09.24; 9.51p,

day 9: healing in a parking lot

"FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKINNN!"

no one else, indeed, can feel it for you. the aches, the burnout, the falling down. the rise from the ashes, the rainbow after the storms, the stars to the wide-blackout-universe. the rain run through your skin, blessing your soul with forgiveness. you did it for yourself, then this is the time you need to get it out of your head. the self-doubt, the loneliness, the pain. help yourself. dress the best for a night out. drink the wine for yourself. celebrate. your life worth the cheers, the laughters, the happiness. and when you love your life a little bit more, you'll find yourself the end of the tunnel. the light in the dark. the end... of all of your sorrows. celebrate. and cheers to many more years of living. 

// fireworks for darkness. 

09.09.24; 09.49pm 

day 2: heartbreak radio

i drove down the highway 

late in the night

it was so quiet, 

in between the announcer 

and sad songs in that old car

there were your ghosts 

smiling right back into me

because you couldn't drive

laughing at my dry jokes 

and told me i was so silly

holding my left hand 

the warmth that now i forget

on how it felt like 

the same damn road,

yet never the same feelings 

the loneliness, 

the heartbreaks,

the aches,

the memories. 

it was never been this quiet

the darkness that filled in 

and the emptiness inside

that song replayed 

on and on and on

and you're still there

on and on and on and on...

// heartbreaks, on this lonely road. 

02.09.24; 07.39pm 

lalu kau pergi kembali dengannya.

aku sedang mendengar Tulus bernyanyi:

di bawah basah langit abu-abu 

kau di mana?

di lengangnya malam menuju Minggu

kau di mana? 

dan lagi-lagi rasa itu yang hadir 

sendu sejenak meramu kelabu 

pada senja menuju entah hari apa

mungkin sudah seminggu terhitung

kurang-lebihnya tak lagi kuingat

tapi nomornya tak lagi bisa kuhubungi

notifikasiku senyap

namun ucapan selamat ia terima 

rupanya, ada perempuan lain

ada yang membuatmu berpaling 

aku tidak pernah tahu akhir dari kisah kita

yang kutahu hanya hari berganti

dan tak ada lagi 'kita' yang bisa kucapai

hariku berlalu begitu saja

malamku kembali gelap

cintaku pada senja sudah senyap

dan kembali abu yang menjadi temanku 

entah apa maksudmu, yang kutahu

sayangimu, aku telah keliru

ayo tulis di buku harianmu

kelak jelaskan bila engkau punya waktu

itu tahun-tahun yang lalu

melihatnya hari ini, sudah mustahil

rasaku habis, dan tak bersisa

namun senandung di sore hari itu 

tentang kamu, dan sunyinya hidupku seusai kamu

kini tinggal memori-memori tentang luka 

aku menarik napas terpanjang hari ini 

dan berharap esok ketika kudengar lagi lagu ini

aku tak lagi mengingatmu sebagai pertanda

walau aku terkadang masih bertanya

bertemukah kau dengan sang puas?

benar senangkah rasa hatimu? 

// senandung dan sendu.

18.08.24; 10.02pm

august & and it's about you, again.

salt air, and the rust on your door

i never needed anything more 

how come it's already august 

the time went by

years and years away from your footsteps

it's not haunting anymore

yet the aches never leave this town 

i already forget how it started

the butterflies and the smiles

the voices led to your sleeps

the unknown relationship we planted

in miles away, out of our reach

i don't even know now when it started

but it was august

when my heart started to fall 

scattered like glass on the marble floor 

there was something 'bout you 

that now i can't remember

it's the same damn thing 

that made my heart surrender

truly, it was undefining moment

when it comes about you 

you were the sunshine in my nights

the friend when i was away from my life 

the love i could not even had 

i don't remember why

but once, my life revolved around you

and when it stopped, i couldn't felt my heart

it was empty

and no other word would describe

how was my life for the rest of that year

to live for the hope of it all 

cancel plans just in case you'd call

and say, "meet me behind the mall"

and when it ended

what was it for? 

the "i've waited for your call"

the "how's life in Jakarta?"

the "we'll meet when you're back home"

the plans we finally cancelled 

because it was just a scene in my head

and when i finally arrived at home

it was rust on the door

you never opened it for me

yet i knocked it anyway 

just for me to realize, 

you've never been there

do you think i have forgotten

.... about you? 

// summer aches. 

12.08.24; 07.36pm.

july 15th

you were the warmth of chocolate milk

the calm before all of the storms

the anchor to my wild thoughts 

reminiscing childhood that used to be simple

and how the time went by, so fast 

i don't recognize us anymore

you became a silhouette, late in the night 

a thought when life gets so hard

somehow, i don't even remember

the sound that used to be familiar 

i used to have words to make your day special

far, far away from your reach

but at least i didn't missed it 

you became something, sat in the box

i wish i could forget about it 

because i have second cup of iced coffee for today

my mind's scattered, i don't recognize myself

but when i look up at my calendar

how i wish everything's as simple as it was

because once, my life was happier

when you were here 

// not a happy ending, but wishing you a very happy birthday 

15.07.24; 8.43pm

Page 187 of 366: Overwhelmed.

kayaknya bener-bener harus secepetnya pisah kantor. mumet. banyak banget yang distraksi. yang se-ruangan aja kadang aku ga fokus, ini tambah banyak orang. hadeuh. puyeng. menjadi dewasa emang susah ya. 

summer playlist

looking at a playlist i made for the past june (and will be continued as summer playlist maybe until august) and it's kinda diverse. in genres. in released years. in artists. dan ga terlalu mendominasi taylor swift because it would be a taylor swift playlist if i made it from this april hahaha. glad that i made it now rather than months ago when i obsesseeeeddd with ttpd. 

kinda check my public playlist ;-)

Page 178 of 366: Overwhelmed.

have you ever have tooooo much things to do, and you're overwhelmed, and you don't know what to do first, and left with doin' nothing at all? 

it is what's happening in this second -_-

i love you long after you're gone, gone, gone.

i'm ten-years late and i don't have any explanations yet. but maybe, indeed, the heart wants what it wants. 

me, and the monster i hate.

i hate being this melancholic, hopeless, questioning love side of me. it's just... made me weak. made my head spinning around, wondering about the answers to the sound in my head. i hate being attached to the ones who (soon) left. i want someone to stay. bear with me. 

but in the end, it's me who pulled myself out of that kind of thing. and no one ever pulled me back in, and said that i'm worth to fight for. 

selamat ulang tahun, kubisikkan perlahan. 

lirih. kamu tak mendengar. 

bersama angin, tak kau hirau. 

tak apa. 

semoga bahagia, harapku. 

kamu telah lama berkawan dengan lara.

anggap saja, hadiahku. 

karena aku tahu, kamu pantas. 

semoga kembali bertemu cinta. 

karena dalam senyummu, aku tahu. 

kamu baik-baik saja. 

setelah kugores sedemikian rupa. 

setelah mendengar masalah hidupku.

kamu akan lupa. 

hidupmu akan utuh.

dan adalah aku, yang tidak lagi di sana. 

dan aku berharap, kali ini tak salah lagi tempat untuk membuka siapa aku. karena selama bertahun-tahun, membuka diri kepada yang kemudian pergi membuatku lelah. memercayai orang tak semudah itu. bercerita siapa aku selalu menguras energi. benar-benar meyakini seseorang itu layak butuh waktu. dan untuk melihat seseorang kembali pergi membawa secuil tentang aku, membunuhku perlahan. 

Jakarta, Aku Urung Pulang.

Romantisme Kota Jakarta sepertinya sudah mendarah daging. Kota penuh harapan, mereka bilang. Entah sudah berapa juta asa digantung, separuhnya pulang dengan peluh. Rasa-rasanya, gemerlap hanya mimpi. Memesona, namun sekejap. Siang menuju malam, pun sebaliknya. Apakah kamu selamat dari gempuran kepadatan angan dan ambisi yang dipupuk di setiap gerbong penuh dengan muka-muka tanpa rehat?

Melangkah dengan tak pasti, memasuki satu babak dalam umur terbaru. Mengintip seperempat abad baru, harap-harap haru. Siapa yang membantu menyulut api pada kue tak berasa itu? Gula-gula habis dimakan masa muda, sekarang lebih berharap tensi tak naik kala semesta sedang tidak berbaik hati. Mana pinggang-pinggang yang mulai muak dengan kursi nyaman di bawah kotak pendingin memerangi polusi kota ini? Mana pundak-pundak pondasi harapan namun selalu butuh sandaran yang tetap memasang topeng independen-nya?

Aku tidak pernah tahu apakah aku bisa menjadi bagian dari kota ini. Sebagian nyawaku terserak pada jalanan Surabaya yang teriknya terasa merasuk hingga tulang. Setiap ujung kota-nya memiliki cerita, dan tak dipungkiri, kadang kubenci. Ada kotak-kotak pengambilan gambar, yang kusimpan entah di mana. Manusia yang pernah bersama, juga sudah entah di mana. Ada kotak-kotak pencakar langit, hafal kutelusuri, namun meredup sudah lampunya. Ada orang-orang yang lalu-lalang, kini tinggal cerita yang bukunya kusimpan rapi. Tertumpuk, berdebu, di sudut, berusaha dilupakan. Namun untuk seperempat pertama hidupku, di sanalah hidupku dirajut. Meramu siapa aku, yang kemudian hilang dalam sekejap.

Pulang. Aku tidak pernah tahu kereta arah mana yang membawaku pada tujuan. Panahnya terputar, mencari arah rumah yang tidak kuketahui alamatnya. Kepada Timur yang pernah menjadi rumah tempat aku tumbuh, ataukah pada Barat tempat menempa cita-cita? Tempat aku menggantungkan sebagian harap, alih-alih untuk cinta, tapi lebih pada bertahan hidup. Mengisi kekosongan dengan riuh perkotaan yang segan menjadi sunyi, setidaknya agar isi kepalaku memiliki lawan yang sepadan. Menyelamatkan senyawa yang kosong, memberikan sedikit hidup agar ia tak mati kesepian. Memberikan aku sedikit cahaya, agar tak terduduk dalam gelap terus-menerus. 

Jakarta, Jakarta. Dua-ribu dua-puluh empat. 

Lima tahun lewat sudah dari terakhir aku menyentuhmu. Entah adakah aku yang tersisa dalam perjalanan ini. Ketika membuka memoar itu, ada aku yang lebih hidup. Lentera dan cinta. Harap dan ragu. Ada kamu, ada waktu. Aku berharap lembar ini tak menuliskan hal yang sama dengan lalu, walau garis besarnya masih seperti kaset rusak, berputar-putar-putar-putar-putar... 

Jakarta. Rapalan itu mulai terdengar seperti mantera. Mulai terdengar seperti putus asa. Linimasa tentangnya, kini tercantum seperti tipuan. Ilusi. Seperti halnya cinta dan obsesi, sekejap euforia kemudian mati. Adakah yang sejati? Atau memang alamat yang kumiliki telah kadaluwarsa? 

Jakarta, pulang sepertinya bukan opsi. Karena hatiku berpaling lagi. 

// rumah untuk hati, yang tidak lagi di sini. 

04.06.24; 02.19am

untuk kembali pulang, namun pada Jakarta di tahun 2019.

#YangKitaLakukanDiKos

Ibu. 

Ruang persegi ini membelenggu semua definisi depresi yang sepertinya puan itu rasakan. Dia datang di kota besar ini dengan compang-camping, hatinya remuk-redam oleh harapan dan kekalahan. Harapan untuk tempat melarikan diri, kekalahan akan menyerahnya dia oleh suara-suara yang memenjaranya. Di kota gemerlap ini, dia bersimpuh, berharap ada yang mengobati goresan-goresan tak kasat mata pada tinta yang ia lukis di pergelangan tangannya. Ada simbol-simbol bertahan hidup yang ia tanamkan pada lengannya, berharap ada sedikit cahaya yang membawanya bangkit. 

Ibu.

Ruang kotak penuh dengan lembar-lembar menyedihkan yang menjadi saksi, bahwa dia ingin hidup namun merasakannya begitu sulit. Entah lubang apa yang ia rasakan, tapi untuk bernapas saja, dia butuh tarikan terpanjang agar terasa. Ia tidak ingin lari dengan minuman-minuman penghilang lara, yang ia inginkan hanya pelukan pada pundak ringkihnya. Entah sudah berapa lama ia merindu, sejenak mereda dari segala kekalutan kepala kecilnya. 

Ibu. 

Di dalam rumah yang tuannya bukan dia, ia masih berperang melawan dirinya. Dengan segala masa lalu yang menjadi jangkar penahan segala luka, pun bersama masa depan yang sepertinya penuh dengan ketidakpastian. Piala-piala terpajang, namun lukanya sama banyak. Persetan dengan menjadi terbaik, hidupnya penuh dengan ekspektasi menumpuk yang kini membuatnya tidak mengenal siapa sebenarnya dia. Muka mana yang ia punya, karena sudah ditumpuk topeng-topeng senyum yang ia buat. Aku yang mana? Mana yang harus kukenalkan pada dunia? Dunia mana yang berbaik hati menerimaku? Aku yang mana yang kau sukai? Sukakah kamu pada dunia penuh abu yang kubangun? Terbangun dengan muka mendung, gairah dibawa mimpi semalam. Malam-malam di mana dia berharap tak selamat, meski hati kecilnya berdoa esok hari masih menyapa mentari. Matahari yang kemudian tertawa mengejek, ada satu manusia yang tetap bertahan. Tahan banting dengan hati yang tak tahu siapa yang menjaganya. 

Ibu...

Kalau saya menyerah sekarang, apakah aku masih anak terbaikmu? Apakah nisanku kau rimbunkan dengan pepohonan atau terserang lumut hingga tak bernama? Apakah tempatku bersemayan ramai oleh doa, atau sepi yang membuatku termenung menunggu disapa? Apakah persegi yang menyempit ini lebih baik daripada kosan di pinggiran Jakarta yang menjadi saksi aku terus-terusan ingin menyerah dari sedihku?

Ibu. 

Aku mau pulang. Tapi sepertinya, jalannya sudah tak kuhafal. 

// catatan dalam kos, tempat bernaung bersama sunyi. 

29.05.24; 11.54pm

wishes, wished.

i wish i was old enough to understand how the world goes. how you should pressed your angers and never felt anything afterwards. how you wished for love instead happiness. how you saw the time goes by and left you there, in the back of people's mind. because you thought that the world didn't need to see your sorrows, and it left you died inside. buried in the dark, all alone. 

i wish i was wise enough to leave people with explanations rather than walked away in silence. in time, they're all gone without saying any goodbye. and it left you with questions, mostly about how worthless you were that they dumped you with feelings undefined. it left you questioning, and made you learnt that no answer is an answer too. 

i wish i was sharp enough to notice. about hands that would've saved me. about love that might be last forever. about people that might stay for a longer time. and now that the time's up, maybe i should understand how to let people go and live a life without regretting anymore. 

// oh how i wish

27.05.24; 12.33am

yang mati, hati.

dan di senyap semalam, aku meluruh

aku tidak tahu bagian hatiku mana lagi

yang kini terdengar remuk-redam

suaranya menggema, meski tak disentuh

menghantui, padahal aku yang melangkah

menjauh dari luka-luka masa depan

karena mereka bilang, 

aku harus hidup dalam realitas

tenggelam dalam arus lurus

mereka yang dianggap bercela 

seakan tidak memiliki kesempatan

semestinya aku menerima genggamnya

namun aku kembali menjadi pengecut

bersembunyi dari sebagaimana hati berkata

sepatutnya, bukan, seperti itu?

yang berani hanya yang tak takut

sementara aku hanya manusia 

dengan segudang ekspektasi

sembilan puluh persen dibuat oleh mereka

berharap aku tetap berada di jarak aman

tak lagi merasakan 

bagaimana sang hati berdegup

kala jatuh cinta

// yang merasa, yang tidak merasa

20.05.24; 8.07pm

Page 136 of 366: Sucks

aku tadi punya 'kalimat pertama' untuk membuka tulisan yang sempet aku arsipin waaaaay better than that i had done. ish sebel banget dengan my past self yang mikir 'ok nanti aja bentar lagi' and now when i stop, i forget about what i wanted to write -_- mana lupa 'trigger'-nya apaan. ZEBEL IH. hidup nih kadanag ada ajaaa :") sekarang jadi ga mood untuk nerusin tulisannya even tho i think it'll be a good one T.T omg i hate myself sometimes~ 

Page 133 of 366: H-1

ok, i'll pass the age of "quarter-life-crisis" and i'm not over the crisis yet. hahahahaha. what an opening lines :) so heck yeah, i'll be 26 and still figuring out the life i want. some people were true tho. it's hard to be "done" on figuring life out in your 20s. i mean, life just begun. 20s is the age where you make mistakes and learn from it, right? siapa sih yang bikin seakan-akan your life should be settled in 20s already? :/ and here i am, rant about this thing. jadi 26 pengen a bit wiser, but no. i don't think so rn lol. but i hope, really hope, step by step lah ya. finger-crossed.

mantra

said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me said you were gonna—

it's 1 passed 25:

it's one passed twenty-five;

for a long long time, 

she's been afraid

stranded nowhere, 

in the sea of uncertainty 

—her long lost enemy

inside her head,

the voices kept on haunting

the nights were getting younger

she's been anywhere,

but never rested in someone's arms

tried to be the one

standing tall—unbothered

but when the dark comes,

clouding her days

it's vague—

blurred line between the real,

or fantasies she made inside 

wishing someday,

the knight in shining armor

saving her from herself

never had she thought

the savior is not always

a man with red roses,

maybe it's her-wiser-self

realized that it's time

you forgive yourself

and that's okay

you'll have forever to figure out 

the life you've ever wanted

// being older, wishing i'll be a lil bit wiser

re-visit folklore after TTPD:

after ten-thousand theories about TTPD and the particular "Peter" track, revisiting Folklore and the same fucking reference of Peter on "Cardigan" makin' me believe that in Folklore, there are LOTS of references about Matty if the Peter references are true!!!!!!!!!!!! just finished on "Hoax" and if we correlate with the Matty x Taylor theories OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so obsessed

day 16 (#angelealowesprompts' april): extended version of us

you arrived with your favorite ride because we hated this city's traffic. additional helmet was offered to me, after i checked my old backpack. you've always said that my bag would hurt my back, but i giggled, "it's the only type of bag that would carry everything in my house that i should bring to work." and you would laughed your ass off as if it's the best joke you've ever heard. 

wind in my hair, people grumbled in traffic lights, and the warmest hug as my hands wrapped around your body. our fingers intertwined, and it would always calmed my mind. without words, just you and i after work hours. people always said that words are overrated, and this version of me would've agreed. it's the silence—and nothing else mattered. 

we would've stopped at our favorite stall. you would picked different menu every time we ate there—the adventurous of you. and me with my usual food—and you would've said that i was boring. someone that always stayed in comfort zones, would've not going anywhere if you're not coming. 

or we would've picked a midnight movie at the standalone cinema. i would bought the sweet popcorn—because for me, the caramelized was too sweet. and you would've fell asleep midway the film. and if i told you just to go home rather than we stumbled in this cold box, you would've said, "it's okay, this is our only time together. and i'm sorry if i ruined it by falling asleep. how was the movie?" and you would listened me babbling the whole story.

and i could go on and on about the "what if?" if there's an extended story about us. we would've been happy—even though sometimes we would've argued. we could be the "oh? they're still together after all these years?" and we nodded and laughed. forever would be our ending, and i would not felt so lonely like i am now. 

but this was the stories in my head before i fall asleep. the stories i made up sometimes—if looking down your social medias not enough to cure the i-miss-you's. the-grown-up-version of us in this mundane life. 

// would've, could've, should've 

16.04.24; 7.46pm

senjaku tak lagi berwarna

dan manakala senja itu bergulir

mengalirkan tiap spektrum oranye

emas menjadi sulur-sulur mentari

dalam genggammu, aku bersandar

hangat hari, menuju akhir

siapa yang tahu esok hari?

adalah hari ini, dan harap

semoga selamanya

namun mentari berubah sendu

semua warna berubah jadi abu

mati dibawa kau pergi

adakah indah

yang berakhir selamanya?

// hitam-putih

19.03.24; 8.49pm

even if you survived

that doesn't means

you're alive

maybe it's more about

getting day by day

in hell

dear reader

it's a tale of a boy who always jumps into another sorrow. drink all the misery until he doesn't even know himself. living his life all alone, thinking that love will save him from himself. thinking that maybe, i could fix him. a sad truth, i never will. 

ms. swift once said: "never take advice from someone who's falling apart." i mean it. you should never tell a tale to a broken soul. a writer who writes better than the mouth. the words she said, it's something that she never thought wisely. the words she inked in her poems, speak better about how she felt. hiding in fictions, living a life in her head. 

i don't think i'll ever be someone's savior. i saved someone once, with a price of me losing a piece of my heart. a little hole that never heals. a hole that made a tallest wall built-up without i ever noticed. it's just there, until they slapped my face with all their feelings. 

maybe i sound ignorant, but here's another sad truth. 

sometimes, i don't care anymore.

and it becomes: most of the time now. 

// a tale of herself

25.01.24; 02.10am

Ketika Berhenti Di Sini

Tidak akan ada rumusan yang tepat dalam merayakan duka. Ia datang tanpa permisi, mewarnai hati dengan semua nuansa abu. Abu muda untuk langit yang mendung, menaungi hari ketika ia pergi. Abu tua, untuk segala rasa yang ditinggalkan. Semua berlomba memenangi caranya mewakili hari itu, hari kala aku kehilangan arah dalam hidup. 

Melaju, kata semua manusia yang tidak pernah berkenalan dengan perpisahan. Mungkin bagi mereka, rasa ini bisa ditekan begitu saja dan melewati hari seperti seharusnya. Kembali bangun, mandi, dan menjalani hidup. Tapi apakah mereka tahu, aku terbangun seusai kamu hadir dalam mimpi? Membuka mata rasanya seperti kembali menghadapi kenyataan bahwa tidak ada lagi hadirmu. 

Mentari seolah menjadi hakim yang menentukan saatnya untuk menghapus siluetmu dalam gelap malam. Biasanya, hadirmu menjadi hantu di pojok yang tak lagi dijangkau. Memangnya, bagaimana bisa kita mencapai yang tak lagi ada di dunia ini? Bagaimana caranya menjadi ikhlas dan kembali hidup seperti apa adanya? Seperti sebelum adanya kamu?

Tidak pernah ada jawaban yang pasti untuk mengatasi rasa menusuk kala mengingat mereka yang mengucapkan selamat tinggal tanpa pernah sampai. Hati-hati mereka pergi, sunyi, tak berjejak. Tiba-tiba tak lagi bisa digapai. Meninggalkan apa-apa yang menurut mereka usai. Sama seperti ketika kamu yang memutuskan saatnya untuk berpisah. Tanpa aba-aba, tanah basah memelukmu. Rintik hujan menjadi suara latar kala semesta menerimamu. Mereka bersorai, kembalinya hamba pada pelukan Ibu Pertiwi. Namun bagaimana dengan aku?

Takkan ada yang akan pernah tahu kapan pada akhirnya kita selesai dengan duka. Apabila saatnya sudah tepat, aku akan membingkaimu dengan kerangka potret yang paling apik. Di dinding memori ini, aku mungkin akan melupakan rasa sakitnya. Namun selamanya, kenangan itu akan selalu ada. Kali itu, mungkin tanpa lagi ada air mata. 

// bersorai untuk tak lagi berhenti di sini. 

20.01.24; 10.11pm

ghosted.

but if we ended a long, long time ago

why do you still there

a ghost on the corner of old cafe

smiling, haunting every single way

giving the ache even though i'm moving on

i needed to walk away

but the memories of you never left

it is there, dusty

but never fades away

// the ghost of you 

20.01.24;02.24am

tulisan blog pertama di 2024.

so, it's 2024. 

hello. 

well, di minggu ke-tiga ini sudah menjalani roller-coaster hidup ya. balik dari Sidoarjo malah dirawat di RS (after a fuckin' while). tipes. kayak never in my wildest dreams bakal dirawat selain dulu SD, sama if someday i'll have a child on my own. but yeah, that's it. that's the highlight of this january hehe. 

biasanya i'll have a post about closing the year. tahun 2023 i just closed it up. december was a fucking chaos in my life. bener-bener hidup ter-ga sehat kayaknya pas november-desember deh. ga heran i ended up hospitalized. pas pulang di akhir desember juga ngga ada istirahat sama sekali. if i wasn't out with fam or friends, then i'd packed up in my room. so, my fam will be moving soon (don't know the exact 'when' yet). so mumpung lagi ada waktu pulang, aku mulai packing-packing my stuff. pilah baju, pack all my books (ini sama sekali ga dipilah, just move it into a box because i love all my books lol), pack all my stuff yang kayak oleh-oleh/kenangan, cut things yang emang udah ngga dipake juga sih. jadi, emang desember ngga ada istirahat sama sekali. mungkin pas januari, my body decided to like: eh, you know, you should rest. hahahaha. 

semua plan di awal tahunku buyar sih jelas. mulai upload journaling jelas ngga bisa. i didn't write anything when i was hospitalized because first infus on my right hand dan posisinya nggak enak banget buat nulis. dan bengkak. terus pas pindah kiri, yang kanan tetep sakit. so there it goes. plan untuk 30 Hari Bercerita juga buyar. in five days, i was dizzy all the time. tipes tuh ternyata demam naik-turun dan kalau bisa, pasti akhirnya tidur. so there... there it goes. 

apalagi ya? 

i just have a lot in my mind for 2024. i just... doesn't plan it out yet. udah deng, tapi masih tulisan acak. belum di-organize jadi masih scattered aja. even planner & journal ku masih belum bener-bener 100% done. ah, life. :)

tapi ya sudahlah ya. chaotic life is needed sometimes. because my life had been flat for like a year. stressful 2023. really. i just can't describe it better. nangis, burn-out, capek, kesepian, all at once. and repeated the whole 2023. stressed out juga, berulang kali. i want to take things slow now. tipes buat aku mikir untuk lebih sehat lagi sih. walaupun sejauh ini setelah dua minggu-an got out, tetep gitu-gitu aja. makan malem sih yang susah buat teratur tuh T^T

anywayyyyy. 

i'm at a coffee shop. trying to work things out. so... yeah. kayaknya ini pertama kalinya selama dua tahun di Alam Sutera akhirnya keluar sendiri ke kafe yang buat kerja gitu. biasanya ngafe kalo ada temennya. kalo keluar sendiri juga biasanya ke Living World just for nonton atau belanja perintilan. ow shit, tahun ini so much wishlist too. yha begitulah hidup ya. if it's not about work, then it's money. kapan love life? ntahlah. we'll see. 

xo.