Open (Valentine's) Letter.

Hi, H.

It's been a while that your name becomes the muse in this medium. Some words I used, recalling the nights where I found myself being heard of. I don't even know how it started. The first ring, just became another midnight phone calls and heartaches. Distance and timing, seems like the universe told me to just let go—just like friends told me to. It's like I was hanging on the ropes, the last thing that's holding us was the love you've proudly told 'em to. 

It's kind of love that I've been kinda lost in. To be scared of how things would fall apart if I was being honest. To long for someone who's not around, while your voice bouncing through my head. To hold myself, because they said it's not love or like you're grown up enough to be not in this state. But—for heaven's sake—you made my sanity lost even you're the one who drank lots of whisky. I woke up with this hangover, so lost when I realized that maybe it would be another full moon to get your name up on my notification. And in between, it's just poems that I wrote to cure whatever it was that I felt. 

From a ride to downtown Jakarta to find books, sweet drinks and coffees to accompany stories we shared, and now your voice that calms my anxiety through the shitty life. Now I don't know if I'll be able to get through tomorrows if I'll ever leave this behind. Because they said I should take another chances, and maybe it's not with you anymore. 

I'll never be able to define what was I feel about you. I asked them what is love, and all I got is that you should never be confused about it. But goddamn, I never knew what love is about all my life. And you came around, made me questioning how I felt for a long long time. Made me realized, is this love between us or just me... longing to get out of this loneliness. Because once I felt so loved with you around, but have I ever felt the love too?

Maybe you cursed me in your sleep, and all I got is this confusion. Maybe you hated me for giving you heartaches for decades. Maybe you're just as lonely as I am. But I hope someday when you'll tune up this playlist in your lowest time, remember, you're once loved. By them, by her, by me. At least that's the last thing I could tell before I go. 

Hello. Good bye. 

You definitely know who you are in between these lines. But I don't know when will these messages reach your notification. 

// another farewell to the muse of my life. 

16.02.25; 4.49pm