too attached. not attached. too much attached.

growing up, i hate being too attached. i built my wall up so high, because i hate being disappointed when people left. i don't like the feeling of being the one who get left behind, and everybody just moved on with their life—like the memories of us didn't even matter to them. so in few years back, i've watched myself built distance to every people i've met. like i had prepared enough if they'd leave the second after. and sometimes it sucks. most of the time... it sucks. 

over the years, when i found the vibes i was into, it felt like a sin to get attached to. it's like, "is it okay if i let down my guard and let someone in?" and it's becoming something i thought for a long time. the battle in my head, the overthinker. and in that years too, i got so much disappointments for watching myself getting sad when they left. i know it's their life too, that they had their rights to get the best in their life, but was i never the part of their life again?

i don't like watching myself got too attached when i picked up your call long time ago. i never had the exact time, it piled up with our conversations. your voice became something i long for, when the days were hard and i couldn't take it anymore. you had your stories that made me laugh, and suddenly everything didn't matter—your age, my insecurities, our past. and now, i can't imagine if you'll walk away someday and find your loved one. what would i do to ease the pain of loneliness?

i hate being attached. 

and now you're becoming another reason why i have to prepare myself on being heartbroken if you ever leave someday. you're becoming another reason that maybe i feel the love, but as a person who never spoke about my feelings, i'll watch myself being sad if you're gonna leave someday. 

// attached to something that never stays. 

21.02.25; 5.41pm