day 5: october passed me by

it's been fourteen years 

your name's been engraved

but the weed grew upon your gravestone

i've been sure where i should've found you

but it's been four years now—

and the footsteps buried by the ground

the tracks to your house of memories

now's just a guideless road

had her grew flowers to your plain green lawn?

bet the swing we swung 

now's just an obsolete timbered chair

the rope was just there

hanging on to the hopes we've built 

but now i'm not really sure

if it's solid enough to carry 

the memory of us

it's been years now—

your light blue eyes i've always looked for

lost in the crowd now

this people i passed by, 

familiar faces but i don't recognize the names

was it you in that corner?

or the man who just bumped into my shoulder?

i've been sober now—

from the days i've thought that

maybe i wouldn't get over the story of us

it's like a stain in my dress

maybe i should've just bought another ones

maybe, i should've just move on 

and now that i do 

'you' just becomes another name 

i've been buried 

in last October 

// it's hard to romanticize October now.

11.11.24; 9.22am 

another nyebelin hari ini aside kas project at the office: kemarin pas di jalan berangkat ngantor udah kepikiran buat nulis sesuatu. tapi kayaknya pas nyampe langsung hectic, dan lupa kalimat yang bagus-bagus kurangkai di jalan. (insert cursing words). emang paling bener langsung ditulis di notes HP kayak dulu -_-

Page 261 of 366: New series.

Starting new series.

Series about poetry: Constellations Series

Series on TV (netflix, for exact info): The Blacklist

Series of songs: Fall '24 

Ok, what a short update on my life (because now I regularly write on papers a.k.a. journal (liat aja kalo tiba-tiba ntar males nulis manual handwritten, pasti cuap-cuap ga jelas di blog).

And I just realized this is the 32nd post on this blog, surpassing last year's. Selalu merasa achieved aja kalo lagi banyak nulis di blog. Walaupun ya akhir-akhir lebih sering post poetry-related. Gak mau dibilang terlalu puitis or something, karena akhir-akhir ini lebih sering nulis pake bahasa sehari-hari. Tapi, yha... related. I can't put title of things I wrote other than poems/poetry. Lol. 

Happy Tuesday, folks!

From sleep deprived writer. 

—to the moon

this night is sparkling in silence

cinderella would be so late

but i take my little feet

walk around this lonely life

the cold air hugged me

as my thoughts fly away

to the nights where you and i

were something 

your ride and laughs 

and unused camera you brought along

your smiles and stories 

and flirty jokes you've always made

your nightmares and drinks

and cigarettes i hated

but you tried your best 

to hold yourself without it 

i still remember the books i got that day

or sweets you introduced to me

like your lies called love 

and your little affections 

when you stayed awake listening 

to all my sorrows 

i hate that lately

midnights felt like hell 

because my head is full 

and how i wish that you'll be there

instead, i've drown myself 

into poetries that felt like hopeless lady 

into songs that suffocated me 

into inkless pictures of us 

because there's memories i've never captured

and one of the best was about us 

to the moon that shines so bright 

to the stars that always led someone's to home 

to the man that always haunts my midnights 

i hope my bleeding heart finally stops 

i hope the scars heal 

and i hope, the memories of us

will never be the same ghost

that stayed in this room 

of mine 

// about midnights full of you. 

17.09.24 // 9.39pm

tribute to the sun.

day 6: right person, wrong time

they said, it sucks to love the right person at the wrong time. 

and i'll tell them, it was better than feeling nothing at all.

// numb. 

09.09.24; 9.51p,

day 9: healing in a parking lot

"FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKINNN!"

no one else, indeed, can feel it for you. the aches, the burnout, the falling down. the rise from the ashes, the rainbow after the storms, the stars to the wide-blackout-universe. the rain run through your skin, blessing your soul with forgiveness. you did it for yourself, then this is the time you need to get it out of your head. the self-doubt, the loneliness, the pain. help yourself. dress the best for a night out. drink the wine for yourself. celebrate. your life worth the cheers, the laughters, the happiness. and when you love your life a little bit more, you'll find yourself the end of the tunnel. the light in the dark. the end... of all of your sorrows. celebrate. and cheers to many more years of living. 

// fireworks for darkness. 

09.09.24; 09.49pm 

day 2: heartbreak radio

i drove down the highway 

late in the night

it was so quiet, 

in between the announcer 

and sad songs in that old car

there were your ghosts 

smiling right back into me

because you couldn't drive

laughing at my dry jokes 

and told me i was so silly

holding my left hand 

the warmth that now i forget

on how it felt like 

the same damn road,

yet never the same feelings 

the loneliness, 

the heartbreaks,

the aches,

the memories. 

it was never been this quiet

the darkness that filled in 

and the emptiness inside

that song replayed 

on and on and on

and you're still there

on and on and on and on...

// heartbreaks, on this lonely road. 

02.09.24; 07.39pm 

lalu kau pergi kembali dengannya.

aku sedang mendengar Tulus bernyanyi:

di bawah basah langit abu-abu 

kau di mana?

di lengangnya malam menuju Minggu

kau di mana? 

dan lagi-lagi rasa itu yang hadir 

sendu sejenak meramu kelabu 

pada senja menuju entah hari apa

mungkin sudah seminggu terhitung

kurang-lebihnya tak lagi kuingat

tapi nomornya tak lagi bisa kuhubungi

notifikasiku senyap

namun ucapan selamat ia terima 

rupanya, ada perempuan lain

ada yang membuatmu berpaling 

aku tidak pernah tahu akhir dari kisah kita

yang kutahu hanya hari berganti

dan tak ada lagi 'kita' yang bisa kucapai

hariku berlalu begitu saja

malamku kembali gelap

cintaku pada senja sudah senyap

dan kembali abu yang menjadi temanku 

entah apa maksudmu, yang kutahu

sayangimu, aku telah keliru

ayo tulis di buku harianmu

kelak jelaskan bila engkau punya waktu

itu tahun-tahun yang lalu

melihatnya hari ini, sudah mustahil

rasaku habis, dan tak bersisa

namun senandung di sore hari itu 

tentang kamu, dan sunyinya hidupku seusai kamu

kini tinggal memori-memori tentang luka 

aku menarik napas terpanjang hari ini 

dan berharap esok ketika kudengar lagi lagu ini

aku tak lagi mengingatmu sebagai pertanda

walau aku terkadang masih bertanya

bertemukah kau dengan sang puas?

benar senangkah rasa hatimu? 

// senandung dan sendu.

18.08.24; 10.02pm