as annoying as "i got the words but i forgot to write it so it's totally gone" thing going on in every second of my life, it's annoying too that i have list of things i want to write about but i don't know what the first words to write about it -_- hrgrrgggghhhh

too attached. not attached. too much attached.

growing up, i hate being too attached. i built my wall up so high, because i hate being disappointed when people left. i don't like the feeling of being the one who get left behind, and everybody just moved on with their life—like the memories of us didn't even matter to them. so in few years back, i've watched myself built distance to every people i've met. like i had prepared enough if they'd leave the second after. and sometimes it sucks. most of the time... it sucks. 

over the years, when i found the vibes i was into, it felt like a sin to get attached to. it's like, "is it okay if i let down my guard and let someone in?" and it's becoming something i thought for a long time. the battle in my head, the overthinker. and in that years too, i got so much disappointments for watching myself getting sad when they left. i know it's their life too, that they had their rights to get the best in their life, but was i never the part of their life again?

i don't like watching myself got too attached when i picked up your call long time ago. i never had the exact time, it piled up with our conversations. your voice became something i long for, when the days were hard and i couldn't take it anymore. you had your stories that made me laugh, and suddenly everything didn't matter—your age, my insecurities, our past. and now, i can't imagine if you'll walk away someday and find your loved one. what would i do to ease the pain of loneliness?

i hate being attached. 

and now you're becoming another reason why i have to prepare myself on being heartbroken if you ever leave someday. you're becoming another reason that maybe i feel the love, but as a person who never spoke about my feelings, i'll watch myself being sad if you're gonna leave someday. 

// attached to something that never stays. 

21.02.25; 5.41pm

Open (Valentine's) Letter.

Hi, H.

It's been a while that your name becomes the muse in this medium. Some words I used, recalling the nights where I found myself being heard of. I don't even know how it started. The first ring, just became another midnight phone calls and heartaches. Distance and timing, seems like the universe told me to just let go—just like friends told me to. It's like I was hanging on the ropes, the last thing that's holding us was the love you've proudly told 'em to. 

It's kind of love that I've been kinda lost in. To be scared of how things would fall apart if I was being honest. To long for someone who's not around, while your voice bouncing through my head. To hold myself, because they said it's not love or like you're grown up enough to be not in this state. But—for heaven's sake—you made my sanity lost even you're the one who drank lots of whisky. I woke up with this hangover, so lost when I realized that maybe it would be another full moon to get your name up on my notification. And in between, it's just poems that I wrote to cure whatever it was that I felt. 

From a ride to downtown Jakarta to find books, sweet drinks and coffees to accompany stories we shared, and now your voice that calms my anxiety through the shitty life. Now I don't know if I'll be able to get through tomorrows if I'll ever leave this behind. Because they said I should take another chances, and maybe it's not with you anymore. 

I'll never be able to define what was I feel about you. I asked them what is love, and all I got is that you should never be confused about it. But goddamn, I never knew what love is about all my life. And you came around, made me questioning how I felt for a long long time. Made me realized, is this love between us or just me... longing to get out of this loneliness. Because once I felt so loved with you around, but have I ever felt the love too?

Maybe you cursed me in your sleep, and all I got is this confusion. Maybe you hated me for giving you heartaches for decades. Maybe you're just as lonely as I am. But I hope someday when you'll tune up this playlist in your lowest time, remember, you're once loved. By them, by her, by me. At least that's the last thing I could tell before I go. 

Hello. Good bye. 

You definitely know who you are in between these lines. But I don't know when will these messages reach your notification. 

// another farewell to the muse of my life. 

16.02.25; 4.49pm