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it still damn hurts. i still can feel the pain when i scrolled up my archive files and re-read all the quotes i wishes i could send right to you. i couldn't write my own poem, because all that i felt that time mixed with confusion and anxiety. was that the love or just an obsession? was there a love between us or simply just a friendship? was it something i could declare as the love i've been waiting for? i don't know, even now.

but the night i felt the scars whenever the truth came to the surface, all i could feel was emptiness. it's like your heart couldn't even feel a thing because it's dead. like... something or someone had just taken out my heart so when it came to feel, i was emotionless.

pain, tears, loss. months after that day, you're just okay with another life you never shared. a life i didn't know, or i blinded myself because of love. i don't know.

i don't understand what did i think when i was with you. or what i felt about us. the other minute i was like, "okay, this thing won't work, just ignore him." but the minute my phone rang and your name was there, i know i could not hang up and didn't heed your presence. i could not.

but right now, months after that day, i still find myself hoping. hope that your name is there, popped up on my notification. or someday we will work things out. or as simple as you tell that us wasn't just in my head. that us is real.

i don't know. i don't fucking now. right now, all the pain still there. even tears won't come back, i know it's you that ruin my life with those heartbeats. it's still you, the one i wish i cpild be with.