oh darling

dont you wish

you never grew up?

today's radio playlist:

1. maroon 5 - sugar
2. the weeknd - out of time
3. niki - high school in jkt
4. harry - as it wasss (still on fav list for this month!!!)
5. ava max - so am i
6. cardi b - finesse 
7. kings of leon - use somebody 
8. zara - lush life (hmm college life soundtrack)
9. tulus - hati hati di jalan (udah awalnya b aja sama lagu ini, begitu keseringan di radio jd males bgt dengernya?!!!??? wk)
10. maroon 5 - what lovers do
11. the weeknd - can't feel my face (hello old onessss!!!)
12. dnce - cake by the ocean (wishing they'll release another song bcs i love them)
13. yura yunita - dunia tipu-tipu
14. megan thee stallion - sweetest pie (meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh)
15. calvin harris - how deep is your love (omg how long ago?!)
16. black eyed peas - i gotta feeling (i immediately laughed bcs THIS WAS MY SENAM SOUNDTRACK AT JHS LOLLLLLL how can the time passed by this fastttt) 
17. andy grammer - fresh eyes 
18. 24k gldn - mood 
19. nicky youre, dazy - sunroof (another cute song for summer)
20. kaleb j - it's only me (underrated fav of mine)
21. lauv - lonely (the album that i don't really like tho)
22. charlie puth - light switch
23. hivi - remaja (pensi bgt lah)
24. selena, blackpink - ice cream
25. jb - favorite girl
26. olivia - good 4 u (my jam)
27. harry - late night talking
28. jb - beauty and a beat
29. bruno mars - that's why i like
30. R3HAB - sway my way
31. ts - all too well
32. treasure - darari
33. maliq - untitled (yha)
34. one republic - i ain't worried
35. calvin harris - stay with me (kayaknya newer songs of him aku dengernya terakhir abisnya dia putus itu sih, selanjutnya ya baru yg ini)
36. more than you know
37. niki - indigo
38. 5sos - complete mess (idk why deep down i love their songs)
39. pamungkas - risalah hati
40. camila - never be the same
41. shawn mendes - stitches
42. ed - shape of you
43. niki - oceans & engines (current favo!)
44. feby, fiersa - runtuh (luv. bgt.)
45. lizzo - about damn time
46. stephanie poetri - ily 3000
47. blackpink - how you like that
48. joji - glimpse of us
49. stephen - until i found you
50. diskoria, eva celia - chrisye
51. glass animals - heat waves
52. olivia - driver license
53. aisha retno - whut
54. james arthur - say you won't let go
55. blackpink - pink venom
56. public - make you mine

today's radio playlist (#throwbackthursday):

1. chris brown - with u
2. the script - superheroes
3. ariana - one last time
4. blondie - one way or another
5. ellie g - on my mind (how come this song is already a throwbackkk?!!??)
6. blink 182 - all the small things
7. the fray - how to save a life
8. vance joy - riptide (ini juga kok udah throwback aja sih??? T.T)
9. drake - one dance
10. estelle - american boy
11. robin thicke - blurred lines
12. calvin harris - blame (oh wow old edms)
13. bruno mars - the lazy song
14. nidji - bila aku jatuh cinta (ah... elementary school x dahsyat phase lol)
15. lupe fiasco - superstar
16. lady gaga - poker face
17. adam levine - lost stars (kinda underrated fav heheh) 
18. akon - right now (na na na)
19. jlo - jennie from the block
20. rihanna - hate that i love you
21. how to stay alive.... (idk the song tho but it's good???!! wkwk)
22. katy perry - california girls
23. ts - 22 (this song was long awaited but my 22 sucks. fuck covid)
24. jobros - burning up (cant shut up and just stay still for this song, always danceyyy)
25. landon pigg - falling in love at a coffee shop (lah kmrn denger lagu ini tp ga ngeh?!)
26. soulvibe - biarlah
27. taio cruz - break ur heart
28. david archuleta - a little too much over u
29. 2am club - worry about u
30. uptown girl (even from afar, lagu ini lgsg match bgt di aing pdhl lagi makan lol)
31. charli xcx - fancyyyy (i feel old knowing this is a throwback one)
32. natasha bedingfield - unwritten (selalu inget lagu iklan lolllll)
33. naif - mobil balap
34. bruno mars - marry youuuu (junior high schooollll!!!!)
35. maliq - menari
36. boys like girls, ts - 2 is better than 1 
37. THE SCRIPT - THE MAN WHO CANT BE MOVED (LIKE... AN OG!)
38. starstrukk - 3OH!3, katy perry
39. mandy moore - someday we'll know
40. the click five - jenny
41. craig david - insomnia
42. ingrid michaelson - be ok
43. jb - boyfriend
44. bruno mars - it will rain
45. mgmt - electric feel
46. sheila on 7 - dan
47. maroon 5 - just a feeling
48. labrinth - beneath ur beautiful
49. lady antebellum - need u now
50. rocket to the moon - like we used to (kayaknya tiap dgr throwback thursday ada mulu ni lagu? kwkw)
51. andien - sahabat setia
52. the killers - somebody told me
53. jb - that should be me
54. the wannadies - you & me song
55. ts - you belong with meeeee
56. relish - u i'm thinking of
57. maroon 5 - makes me wonder
58. primadonna - marina and the diamonds
59. maliq - himalaya (musiknya mirip katon bagaskara fyi)
60. katon bagaskara - negeri di awan (my own personal throwback hit heheh)
61. naif - buta hati
62. justice - d.a.n.c.e
63. 1d - 1 thing
64. neyo - closer
65. disclosure, sam smith - latch (their collabs always gooodddd)
66. macklemore, ryan lewis - downtown
67. maliq - penasaran
68. john mayer - xo
69. ts - style

today's radio playlist:

1. alesso - heroes (old favvvvv!!!!)
2. gwen stefani - cool
3. marshmello - numb
4. mike posner - please dont go
5. jessie j - domino (oldies)
6. harry s - adore you (why lately i do like to listen to him? hmm)
7. cranberries - just my imagination
8. boyz ii men - on bended knee (11.06am, im so sleepy, and this song???? i always find myself bertanya-tanya knp radio suka nyalain lagu yg mellow/slow di jam-jam yg kudunya bikin melek gitu lo?! wkwk)
9. brian mcknight - anytime
10. wiz khalifa, charlie puth - see you again (berasa lagi throwback thursday lol)
11. shawn mendes - stitches (oggggg)
12. kings of leon - use somebody (lateeee huft, sukanya jg telat lol)
13. capital cities - safe and sound (baru tau judulnya wkw)
14. swedish house mafia - save the world
15. megan thee stallion - sweetest pie (kinda bored with this song)
16. nick jonas - this is heaven
17. demi lovato - give ur heart a break (problematic singer but i love her old songs tho)
18. shawn mendes - it'll be okay (kinda bored by his music, still love the first album!!!!)
19. alicia keys - girl on fire
20. ava max - so am i
21. usher - my boo (classic....)
22. five - closer to me
23. cardigans - rise and shine
24. craig david - walking away
25. brandy - sittin up in my room
26. oasis - dont go away (baru tau judulnya wk)
27. dipha barus - all good
28. coldplay, selena - let somebody go 
29. gym class heroes - stereo hearts (favoooo!!!!)
30. lewis capadi - someone you loved 
31. glass animals - heat waves 
32. dhruv - double take (current fav but i won't play it on spotify since i listened to it on radio over and over again lol)
33. ts - all too well (honestly... im bored witht his song. i mean, it's good when it's underrated but when it's played all over the world, over & over again, kinda bukan lagi hidden gem yg kunikmatin gt deh) 
34. ed sheeran - 2steps (new fav jugaaa! but i let myself dengerin only on radio lol)
35. bruno mars - skate (i feel like i like his newer songs)
36. jb - beauty and a beat (jaman smp banget???!!!!? wk)
37. niki - every summertime (aku jg mikir2 ternyata byk lagu niki yg aku suka hahahah)
38. the weeknd - out of time (ini lbh lama lagi sukanya. found the weeknd back when he's not famous yet with cant feel my face when he's in fifty shades' soundtracks)
39. post malone - cooped up (idk why tp dari awal suka sm lagunya post malone. masih bisa kedenger & kdg sing along)
40. neyo - because of you (why there's no neyo's new songs like thissss? T.T)
41. maroon 5 - daylight (masih ngakak dengerin ini pdhl jokes jaman sma WKW knp si)
42. lauv - all 4 nothing
43. p diddy - i need a girl
44. lizzo - about damn time
45. sam smith - love me more
46. chris brown - super human
47. ariana grande - love me harder
48. camila - havana
49. jamie cullum - mind trick
50. imagine dragons - bad liar
51. jessie j - flashlight
52. britney spears - toxic
53. sia - the greatest
54. one rep - i ain't worried
55. alan walker - faded (omg what a time??!!!?)
56. ed sheeran - overpass graffiti
57. post malone - i like you
58. sergio mendes, fergie - the look of love
59. years & years - desire
60. jay z, alicia - empire state of mind
61. rihanna - take a bow (my absolute fav from rihanna)
62. deorro - five more houes
63. beyonce - break my soul
64. landon pigg - falling in love at a coffee shop
65. megan thee stallion - sweetest pie (honestly... meh)
66. calvin h, ellie g - outside
67. tulus - hati-hati di jalan
68. nsync - girlfriend
69. snoop dogg - young wild and free
70. tiesto - the motto 
71. kesha - tiktok
72. silk city - electricity
73. owl city - vanilla twilight
74. calvin h, rihanna - this is what you came for
75. nicky youre - sunroof (baru tau judulnya, sering denger tapi wk)
76. diskoria - chrisye
77. ed sheeran - shape of you
78. silk sonic, bruno - out the window
79. kings of leon - use somebody
80. calvin - one kiss

a little rant because i'm bored and tired of myself.

it sucks when you got something to write about, but it's like in the middle of something that you couldn't write it immediately... and now when i wanted to write it (and have the time)...... LUPA. HHHHHH. cape, tapi lagi-lagi sama diri sendiri :) yaudah. gitu aja. gabut banget nungguin render. lol.

Page 213 of 365: entering august, with heavy heart.

aku sampai kehilangan kata-kata buat mulai ngeblog lagi. it's just... too much. i mean, it's not that heavy like everybody else's problems... but i hate the situation ketika masuk bulan baru tapi banyak hal yang dipikirin yang bikin berat. yang bikin hati ga plong sama sekali. kayak... it's not a new chapter or hopes. it's just another shitty month. vibes-nya langsung jelek hehe. kayak juni kemarin. 

leaving july with an after-thoughts yang bikin sedih. karena when you're the oldest, you're expected to be perfect, jadi 'contoh' buat adik-adik, like you should excel your life first dan kamu harus nuntun adik-adik. but you mostly figured it out alone because your parents sibuk dengan adik-adik dan other stuff. kamu harus bisa nguasain semua sendiri, sukses di hal-hal tertentu, dan mendem semua hal untuk dirimu sendiri. karena kamu jadi tumpuan. kamu harus jadi 'pendengar', entah buat ortu atau adik-adik. 

and not yourself. never yourself.

aku tau, some people willingly doing that. aku juga kok. tapi kadang capek. capek buat jadi ekspektasi, capek sama kehidupan yang kutumpuk buat diriku sendiri, capek sama hati yang ga sembuh-sembuh. pingin nafas panjang yang lega, but it's just for a minute and then life hits you. hard. 

bahkan sekarang, nafas aja kayak ada yang ganjel. dan punggung sampe berasa sakit. sedangkan kamu masih ada di titik mikirin orang banget kalo mau cerita. it's like, when they're happy you're afraid to ruin it, and when they're sad you're afraid to add more to them. aku tau, temen-temenku pada baik-baik mau dengerin. but that's the curse of being me, mikirin orang banget. mikirin semua orang but not myself. 

*heavy breathing*

entering august with crying in the morning. just minutes after i arrived at work. apa yang aku pikirin selama ini terjadi. kita dari dulu jarang kepisah jauh-jauhan. kalaupun kepisah, i mean, di rumah tetep rame. sekarang sepi. dan adik paling kecil ngerasa kesepian. and it broke our heart that he kept it for himself. aku merasa egois for making myself away karena aku merasa 'damai' di sini tapi ninggalin dia merasa kesepian. even i tried so hard to make time for him. 

semoga dengan aku nulis kayak gini, aku ngangkat sedikit beban. aku gatau kenapa pada akhirnya i ended up writing this here. it's a one-way convo and i like it. gaada yang baca juga tapi it's okay, it's for myself. it's a healing journey for me. 

bismillah. we're gonna get through this.