sometimes it hurts,
but sometimes i know i want to let it go.

and in the end,
we have to let it go,
right?

a story after all these years

"Selan...jutnya."

Aku bisa merasakan aku terkaget. Aneh, ya? Kita menyadari sesuatu yang refleks. Tapi kali ini, aku benar-benar merasakan sebuah perasaan itu ketika melihatnya berada di antrian kedai kopi tempat aku bekerja paruh waktu.

"Anya?"
"H-hai."

Aziz Gagap tuh kayak gini ya? Atau aku aja yang mendadap gagap tidak mampu menemukan satu kata pun yang dapat kurangkai indah seperti puisi-puisiku tentangnya.

"Kerja di sini, toh?"
"Hehe, paruh waktu. Sambil nunggu lulusan."

"Nya..." Aku menoleh pada asal suara di belakangku. Lelaki berkacamata dengan label nama Ryan mengerling pada meja kasir dan setumpuk gelas plastik.
"E-eh?"

Aku kembali memfokuskan diriku pada aku yang sedang bekerja.
"Sori, sori. Pesen apa, Ta?"
"Americano aja satu. Less ice ya, Nya."
"Oke. Ada tambahan lagi?"
"Itu aja."
"Dua puluh lima ribu, ya."

Tanpa suara, ia menyodorkan selembar uang berwarna biru. Dengan cekatan sekaligus masih gugup, aku menukar uang dan memberikan struk pembelian kepadanya.

"Terima kasih. Ditunggu di sebalah sana, ya, untuk take away-nya."
"Oke. Nice to meet you again."

Yeah, walau pada akhirnya bertemu lagi usai bertahun-tahun, ternyata efek kehadiran masih sama. Memberikan sedikit kejut, dan sebuah beban aneh yang tidak mampu kudefinisikan.

"Mbak? Saya mau pesan."
Aku mendongak pada pelanggan selanjutnya. Ah, life always must go on, ya kan?, batinku sedih.

Kring! Srrrt.
"Darling, Americano-nya sudah?"

Sambil menunggu pelanggan, memang mataku sedang melarikan pandang pada lelaki yang menanti di meja Ryan sang bartender. Dan wanita yang baru saja memasuki kedai langsung menghampirinya. Ah, kekasih baru ya, Ta? 

"Mocha aja deh, Mbak."
"Oke, atas nama siapa?"
"Indira."

"Anya?" Aku mendongak dari tab kasir.
"E-eh, kenapa Ta?"
"Aku duluan. Thanks ya. Nice to meet you..." Aku memperhatikan perawakannya yang tidak berubah. "Again. Soon."

Wanita tadi sepertinya sudah keluar. Dan lelaki itu akan menyusulnya. Aku tersenyum tipis.
"Nice to meet you too."


Akhirnya aku lihat lagi
Akhirnya aku temui
Oh
Tercekat lidahku

imysb.

Han, know that someday I'll move on and forget about us, made me write some stuff about you. How we met, how much anxiety I felt back then, how can I fall for you after all these years I always hold on to myself and told myself to stop at some point. Know that I'll forget about us, made me write some shit again and again.

Han, if someday I move on and find somebody else, know that in one moment in my life, I loved you so much that it hurts. Really hurts. In a moment, I felt empty inside. Literally crying until I fell asleep. Literally scrolling through Instagram 'til Twitter to see your face and told myself that it was over.

Han, I know this was all about me. I don't know if you ever love me. Until now, I still feel like a joke and 'us' was a dream never come true. Tragedy. Even at the moment, I loved to listen to "Sad Beautiful Tragic" that I hated so much because of the sadness.

Han, I missed you. I am still, sometimes.
But it's okay. I'm okay.

Despite all the time I felt sick of myself and could ring your notification as soon as possible, I'm okay now. Sometimes it still felt like a dream, a perfect tragedy. But it's okay. You were moving into somewhere I don't know, and you're becoming someone I don't know. Or... it's as simple as this: I don't know you at all.

Han, if you read this. Know that I've loved you so much. I miss you, that's why I write this. But I'm okay. Like the last time we talked, I'm okay. Maybe I was too stupid, or tired, that explanations I wanted to say hung up on my tongue, and all I said was sorry.

Sorry, Han. If I ever loved you.
Or those hopes I set too high.
Or everything in between.
I'm sorry.

But still, I miss you.